Goole, Saturday 4 April, 2015

“Twin town said we just weren’t cool, So now we got a suicide pact with Goole”

San Antonio Foam Party

We spend Saturday making our way unhurriedly northwards through Lincolnshire and East Yorkshire. Our destination for the day is Hull, which isn’t mentioned in any Half Man Half Biscuit songs (‘Rod Hull is Alive – Why?’ doesn’t count) but is where we met at university many years ago. First and only biscuit official stop of the day is Goole which is perhaps overstating the case slightly when it announces itself not only as “the UK’s premier inland port”, but also a “haven of opportunity.”

It’s a low mileage day, so we’ve got time to stop off in Gilberdyke to have lunch and enjoy Arsenal crushing Liverpool at the White Horse.   By contrast with the Whitegates the day before, it’s a great pub, which – the pennants on the wall suggest – caters for motorcyclists and mods, as well as football fans on Half Man Half Biscuit-themed cycling tours. Unfortunately we’re there a week too early to see comedy Hypnotist Chris Good (who promises “the most fun you’ll ever have in your SLEEP!”). They’ve had to postpone previous shows due to low ticket sales, so Chris can’t be as persuasive as he makes out.

We take a wrong turn at South Cave, adding an unnecessary hill to our journey.   Our pace by now is such that we’re briefly overtaken on one of the climbs by a skinny teenage female runner, who rubs it in by laughing at us. Brushing off this humiliation we pass through some of the well-heeled villages west of Hull and are soon riding on a wave of nostalgia. My old friend Deon is putting us up, and takes us for a night out, showing us how the place has changed since we left in 1997. The student area where we used to live has steadily been gentrified, and it’s a strange feeling to see bistros and glitzy bars where pawnbrokers and old men’s pubs once stood.

After a couple of pints at one of our old haunts, we head to Spiders, “HULLS ORIGINAL INDIE-VIDUAL NIGHTCLUB,”, which, unlike Half Man Half Biscuit, featured “ON CHANNEL 4’S CULT MUSIC SHOW THE TUBE IN THE 80s” On arrival, we’re horrified to discover a queue, but Deon confidently strides past the shivering young Emos, promising that she’ll get us past the bouncers.   Strangely, her argument that we should be able to go straight in because she’s with her friends from London who used to come here doesn’t carry any truck.     As we stand in line behind 19-year olds in Slipknot t-shirts (prompting a hearty chorus of ‘Vatican Broadside’) the police roll up, on the look-out for underage drinkers. Inexplicably they walk straight past us, despite us waving our driving licences at them.

Inside, we discover Spiders is one to file under ‘Hasn’t Changed a Bit’. You can still get one of their ‘Pan-Galactic GargleBlasters’ – a truly disgusting mix of cider, Pernod, vodka and something else (possibly urine) served up in a plastic pint glass for £3.10. The more discerning clientele eschew the horrible ‘Nu-Metal’ served up downstairs in favour of the upstairs dancefloor, which correctly plays Rock and Roll, sixties pop, soul and disco.   We establish ourselves in a corner, and spend the night dancing to Tina Turner and Edwin Starr, the cheap ‘cocktails’ helping to numb us from the nagging awareness that we’re twice the age of most of the people here.   Back home, Deon, slips into her animal-themed onesie (photos not displayed here in the interests of decency), and the disco fun continues.